Thursday

You know what’s a royal pain in the ass?! Having to take a handful of pills every morning just to be able to handle life, shitty right?

I think this every fucking day while I’m taking my daily cacophony of pills. Thinking back as long as I can remember I’ve been kind of a pessimist. Ok…not kind of, I am a pessimist. Even with taking my “happy pills” every day I still have this negative way of dealing with this necessary part of my day. Even as I’m writing this I’m realizing how stupid this is. For instance, when taking my pills and powders etc to help make my body stronger when I go to the gym I do it with gusto! When taking my “crazy pills” that will ultimately help me strengthen my own coping capabilities, strengthen my confidence which I’ve struggled with my whole life, and strengthen relationships that my illness and I have tried hard to destroy over the years. All of these ultimately positive things maybe can’t happen if the steps I need to take are taken with a negative pessimistic approach. Right?!

This negative and pessimistic way of thinking has bled into almost every part of daily life. My job really isn’t that bad. It’s a city job and I’m pretty much set for life, and have amaze-balls health insurance. So as long as I play my cards right I’m good. The only downside is if my wife and I want to move someday we can’t take the insurance with us. Still I look at things with a negative lense.

You might be thinking “why do you think like that? What are the medications for?”

Good question.

Without the meds and therapy I’d be a real hot mess. Even though I still think negatively I know that without these meds who knows. I could have burned every bridge, maybe be back on hard drugs, homeless, in jail or a psychiatric hospital. I don’t know.

What I do know is that with them my wife and I are just as much in love now as we were 16 years ago, I still smoke weed but who cares, my relationship with my remaining family has never been better. I can go on and on.

I have a lot to be thankful for. I have so many things that make me happy.

That being said I still have anxieties and feel depressed etc. The meds just make dealing with this stuff less overwhelming really.

Maybe this will give someone out there some insight into the life of someone who has to juggle pills, therapy etc with everything else we adults deal with every day. Maybe no one will read this, oh well. I say that because as I’m writing this I’m discovering that I’m finding something out about myself. Giving me something to work on every day that will ultimately help with my issues. If writing this blog only helps me, then I can live with that.

Talk to you all later.

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