Friday July 19th

In life there are always consequences. For every action there is an appropriate reaction. This applies to all of us. Especially those of us with mental health problems. We can’t use our sickness, disability, complex or whatever the fuck you want to call it as an excuse when we can’t handle our shit.

If you read my previous entry you’ll know that my little vacation was a fucking disaster, and, it was 100% my fault. Of all the times to have a meltdown. There were alot of factors that contributed to the situation, not making excuses, giving reasons. Anyways…..

Before vacation my car started acting funny, had to get it towed somewhere near them, an hour from where I live. This is the freaking day before. So whatever it gets towed, my in laws let us use their car cuz they had the camper. So far so good. Fast forward through the stupid vacation, we get home unpack and drive to the dealership it got towed to to find out what’s going on and to set up a loaner since we needed to get the car back to my in laws. Next day we get the loaner. So all in all everything seems to have worked out, right? Wrong!! There was a cloud hanging over all of this, here’s where the consequences come into play. My wife is super pissed.

She seemed to be cool before we left new hampshire. After all the car drama and stuff she seemed really mad. At me? At the situation? Who knows. I think she’s stewing over something I said in anger while we were away. I threatened to drive home and leave and never come back, didn’t mean it but I know it hurt her. We’ve been home 2 days now and we’ve barely spoken, and when we have it’s been icy. I’m a grown man and can take ownership when I fuck up. I’m scared though. She is my biggest support system and I’m scared that she just can’t deal anymore. If I lose her I’m scared of how I’ll react. Sometimes I think that I need to be set free and be single again but then I come back to earth. I need this woman in my life but I don’t know how to fix this, all I can do now is wait.

Anyways…those of us with mental health issues need support, but, we also need to remember that we still need to take responsibility for what we say and do. The illness isn’t an excuse, it’s still up to us to put in the effort. If you lean to hard on your support system eventually it collapses. Take responsibility, lean gently. Don’t try to use other people as a crutch.

That’s all for now, thanks for listening.

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