As long as I can remember, long before I knew anything about bipolar or depression I have had a hard time controlling my temper. I would just fly off the handle with the slightest provocation. That part of my personality has always been one of my biggest struggles.
Yesterday got off to a rough start at work and my temper was immediately tested. I have to say that I’m actually pretty proud of myself. There was definitely a time where the situation would have sent me into a blind rage. There was a situation where a coworker stuck their nose into my business and it got under my skin, but, I just walked away where years ago I probably would have screamed in their face and made a scene probably getting myself fired. A little while later I’m in the mailroom area and the same coworker is there, I just ignore her and walk around where she is standing. As soon as she sees me she throws her arms up in the air and starts trying to jump out of the way from me like I’m gonna attack her or something. This woman, in my opinion, was definitely trying to provoke me. Why? I don’t know. I’ve been told that I can look mean when I’m pissed off, maybe that’s true. Regardless of whether or not I looked mean I don’t feel like her behavior was necessary. A few minutes later, don’t ask me how, I dropped my phone into a 5 gallon bucket of water. What the fuck. By now I’m so fucking angry I’m shaking. I did the only thing I could think of, I called my wife. She remains to this day the only person that can calm me down when I’m like that. God bless her.
The day did get better from there. I left work early to go to the last Patriots preseason game with some friends which was a very welcome distraction.
Looking back on yesterday I’m definitely proud of how I handled myself. I’m not sure if it’s the therapy, meds etc. Or, if it’s that I’m older and more mature but there was a time where I would have made things so much worse for myself. The anger would ultimately have led me to a horrible depression. Again, another thank you to my wife. I’ve spoken in previous posts about the importance of a solid support structure. She has always been so loving, supporting and above all patient with me. I am a very lucky man. Unfortunately not everyone has someone like that in their lives. I’m not being dramatic when I say that without her my life would have turned out completely different. My mental health struggles may have taken the better of me, I may have ended up taking my own life or living in a psych ward or something or homeless.
Anyways, back to my point. For anyone, not just those of us with mental health issues, support is important. It just may be slightly more important for us. If you know someone who struggles, reach out to them, listen to them. Let them know that they’re not alone. If you struggle and feel like you are alone I hope you can find the strength to reach out yourself and talk to somebody before things get worse.
The point of this blog is simply to help people. Help people who struggle like I do, or help people who have friends or loved ones that struggle ways to help them. That’s all that this is about. I’m not sure how wide of an audience I’m reaching, I’m not sure anyone even reads this, but, I am going to keep writing in the hopes that I could possibly help even one person.
That’s all for now, talk to you all later.