Friday October 4th

Nothing in my world will be the same anymore. I’m scared where the road leads us now. In the matter of a week we went from beautiful healthy pup to a dead one. Please don’t read this and roll your eyes, or say who cares it’s just a dog. She was not JUST a dog.

My wife and I were the extremely proud owners of a beautiful American bulldog. She came to us when she was only 7 weeks old. We’ve raised her as our own child basically. In the intervening years since she came to us we found out that we’re not able to have children of our own, that being said our pets become more than that. They’re the center of our life, Lady especially. In her 5 years on earth we have molded our lives around Lady, she was everything. I want to shut myself away, seriously life doesn’t seem worth it anymore. My wife and I have been broken by this, neither one of us can look at anything in this house without bawling our eyes out. I don’t want to get dressed or leave the house, I’ve never felt like this. At least not since my dads suicide. You can’t compare the two I guess but at least as of right now, this is worse. This just isn’t fucking fair. She was the sweetest creature in the world and the way it ended for her is just wrong. She was in so much pain in the end and we didn’t even know that she was sick until it was too late. How could this happen?!?!?! She was fucking fine!! One day she started to refuse food and a week later she’s dead!! Why!!!!!!

I’m sure this seems overly dramatic but I don’t know what to do anymore. My mornings revolved around her, our plans always revolved around her. She was at the center of everything and now nothing seems right anymore. Colors don’t seem as bright, food doesn’t taste right, there’s no joy left in anything right now. Another piece of me is gone forever. She was so very special to me, even at the end when she was surrounded by her favorite humans she kept coming to me and licking my face. It’s like she was saying goodbye or something. No one could have communicated to her what was going on, she just knew and was actually trying to comfort us. She was the best friend I’ll ever have and I just want to die.

My wife and I will move on from this I hope. We’ll find a way forward I hope. We must keep going although at the moment that doesn’t seem possible.

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