Sunday July 7th

I hope everyone out there had a safe and happy 4th of July, wife and I had a really nice day which I spoke about in my last post.

This being Sunday I want to talk about something. Do you all remember what it was like when we were still in grade school? That feeling of dread because you have school in the morning and don’t want the weekend fun to end. Guess what? It never fucking ends!! As adults we muddle and grind through the workweek and then Friday come with a feeling of relief and excitement, yay the weekend!! Saturdays are great!! Saturday mean the beach or golf or a workout at the gym where you don’t have to keep checking the clock cuz you don’t want to be late for work. You can do yardwork of that’s your pleasure or spend the day chained to your ps4, whatever you want!! Even if you have kids Saturday’s are fun as hell. No kids for us but that’s a story for another day. Anyways I’m getting off topic. Sundays aren’t too bad either I guess, the only problem is that whatever you’re doing you’re probably thinking “ewww back to work tomorrow.” At least that’s how I feel, every fucking Sunday. When you’re a kid you at least have summer time when Sunday’s are just another day.

I bring this up because sometimes I wonder if I’m the only one who still gets like this on Sunday. I don’t know if it’s my sometimes crippling anxiety that makes me feel like this or if I’m one of a billion people that feels this way. Having anxieties in this life is unfortunately a part of being human. Some of us unfortunately have a very limited capacity when it comes to being in control of said anxieties. I am one of these people. Sundays are awful, I don’t love my job, a sentiment shared by many I am sure. That being said Sunday can be a miserable day. Why? Because people that have anxieties for some reason unknown to me don’t live in the moment. We become anxious over imaginary scenarios that probably won’t even come to be. To some of you that may sound like some sort of paranoid schizophrenia. The two things may be closely related, I don’t know I’m not a doctor. I do know that we are haunted by what ifs. What if I’m late, what if I get sick, what if I have to clean shit off the walls again in the mens room. These are examples of things that happen to a lot of people in their every day lives. Things that you take in stride that you never give any thought to until it happens. Someone with anxiety will think about, stress over and even hide in their bedroom and cry over. And that’s before the thing even happens. That’s the unfortunate life some of us live. Some people will say that it’s just an excuse or we’re looking for attention or any number of ignorant statements. Those are the people that I hope to maybe reach in this blog. Not to say I told you so or anything but to maybe educate a little, I don’t know I’m no expert. I do know that mental health issues aren’t taken seriously by those who don’t deal with them. Also I hope that someone WITH mental health issues will read this and not feel so alone in the world.

This particular Sunday I’m feeling anxious, as usual, but it’s mingled with an excited anxiousness. Granted I do have to report to stupid jury duty tomorrow morning. Hopefully I won’t get stuck on a jury because I can’t afford anymore time off work, literally can’t afford it. I have a million things that I’m worried about but nothing much going on at work, because anxiety lol. To go along with the normal level of Sunday anxiety I’m also excited! Next Sunday we leave for a couple of days to go to New Hampshire. So that Sunday will be full of driving for the 3 hours with a whiny dog anxiety haha. Taking a much needed little vacation. Also this week my older sister is coming up from Florida for a visit! Super excited to see her and my nieces. This isn’t a typical week in my world, there are actually a few things I’m looking forward to, not just a normal week where I only have work to look forward to. I forgot to mention, and I may be more excited for this than vacation, we’re going to meet a doggy that may be a new addition to the family. On our way to where we’re staying we are stopping by a wonderful rescue group to meet 2 potential family members. If we could take them both we would but unfortunately we can only take one of them.

Writing a blog can be challenging, maybe because I’m so new to it. I have so much to say and I’m realizing that you have to pace yourself so that you don’t say everything in one post haha. I’m no writer, again, just a normal blue collar dude doing his best.

Talk to you all later.

Thursday July 4th

Happy Independence Day everyone!! Hope everyone has a fun safe holiday. I haven’t made a post in a few days and wanted to check in…if anyone reads this that is.

Got up before the wife and kid today (the kid being Lady our American bulldog) and went to the park to shoot some hoops. I love basketball and played a lot when I was a kid. Today was probably the first time I’ve touched a basketball in 15-20 years. Crazy huh? Anyways after that the wife and I spent the day at the beach. So we get there and get set up and are chilling looking out on the water when I see a lady about 15 feet in front of us, it’s my mom! Holy shit what are the odds? As much of a pain in the ass my mom has been lately it was good for her that we ran into her. She needed it I think. Maybe it was fate or whatever, I don’t know. Anyway she bought us ice cream so all good haha.

Last night I had a nice little treat for my wife. Our city did the fireworks yesterday. I was able to arrange a little private rooftop viewing. It was pretty awesome.

Anyways I hope you all had a great holiday I’ll talk to you later.

Sunday 6/30

Weekend is over, back to the grind tomorrow. Had an interesting weekend…it got off to a good start Saturday morning. Cut the grass, and was even gonna trim all the hedges. To trim said hedges I wanted to use my moms electric hedge clippers. I knew this would come at a price. Smh. It would have been nice if I could have just grabbed them and gone, but no. She asks me to fix her toilet, ok no problem it was an easy fix. Oh and while you’re here can you put my AC in, ok no problem. Can you tear out the rotten boards on the little ramp that goes to the shed and clean out the shed, ok no problem.

So after all is said and done it’s like 2 hours later and I wanted to do this all quickly, get home, and finish my yardwork. Not in the cards I guess. She wants to sit and have some watermelon, ok no problem. Keep in mind that my sisters and I have a complicated relationship with our mom. Somehow this turns into her basically bitching about one of my sisters the whole time, I’m trying to get her to just let it go. I could go into detail about all of it but it’ll take too long lol. After the failed therapy session I realized that without the help of my medications, I would have lost my shit with her and caused world war family drama, which is exactly what she wants. I love my mom but she’s a black hole of drama.

When I finally escape she seems mollified so that was a relief. The bitch of it is I leave exactly as the storm is starting and holy shit!! Damn near golf ball size hale pelting the shit out of my car. When one hits the windshield it sounds like glass breaking. Needless to say my plans were shot.

That’s about all really, I am proud of myself though. I’ve come a long way since I started my therapy, meds etc. There were times that were pretty dark for me and if it wasn’t for my wife I don’t know if I’d be here. Btw, you’re gonna hear that alot. The fact that I can talk to my mom about real shit and try to work things out without going nuclear is an accomplishment. It wouldn’t happen without a lot of hard work on my part and support from my loved ones.

A lot of my remaining families issues stem from the loss of my dad, that’s a subject I’ll be covering in a few weeks. That’s all for now.

Talk to you all later.

Friday 6/28

This has been so much more of an inconvenience to me than I ever thought possible. I’m referring to a kidney stone, yes a kidney stone. Anyone ever have one? Holy crap. Mine was particularly annoying because I couldn’t pass it and had to have surgery to remove it.

This little fucker has caused me so much freaking pain and missed way more work than I thought. So I had this procedure done almost 2 weeks ago. Part of the process is they leave a stent in there to make sure that there are no blockages due to swelling. The upside to this is that during the initial surgery I was put to sleep, having the stent removed…..nope.

Probably one of the top 5 most awkward situations I’ve ever been in. You go in the room, strip from the waist down and you get a little towel to cover up. Next, the attractive nurse comes in and has to apply this numbing agent on there and betadine all over my joint. So as a guy of course I have a quick flash of a penthouse moment with the cute nurse. I digress. After the stuff is applied to little willy you sit there for 10 minutes alone and naked in this room. Then the doctor arrives. He proceeds to insert a freaking camera!! You know those claw machines at the arcade? Well…this camera apparatus has something similar. Talk about awkward..having this done in a room with 2 total strangers!!

Anyways….this chapter of my life is finally over thank goodness.

Just figured I’d share that experience lol.

Talk to you later

Thursday

You know what’s a royal pain in the ass?! Having to take a handful of pills every morning just to be able to handle life, shitty right?

I think this every fucking day while I’m taking my daily cacophony of pills. Thinking back as long as I can remember I’ve been kind of a pessimist. Ok…not kind of, I am a pessimist. Even with taking my “happy pills” every day I still have this negative way of dealing with this necessary part of my day. Even as I’m writing this I’m realizing how stupid this is. For instance, when taking my pills and powders etc to help make my body stronger when I go to the gym I do it with gusto! When taking my “crazy pills” that will ultimately help me strengthen my own coping capabilities, strengthen my confidence which I’ve struggled with my whole life, and strengthen relationships that my illness and I have tried hard to destroy over the years. All of these ultimately positive things maybe can’t happen if the steps I need to take are taken with a negative pessimistic approach. Right?!

This negative and pessimistic way of thinking has bled into almost every part of daily life. My job really isn’t that bad. It’s a city job and I’m pretty much set for life, and have amaze-balls health insurance. So as long as I play my cards right I’m good. The only downside is if my wife and I want to move someday we can’t take the insurance with us. Still I look at things with a negative lense.

You might be thinking “why do you think like that? What are the medications for?”

Good question.

Without the meds and therapy I’d be a real hot mess. Even though I still think negatively I know that without these meds who knows. I could have burned every bridge, maybe be back on hard drugs, homeless, in jail or a psychiatric hospital. I don’t know.

What I do know is that with them my wife and I are just as much in love now as we were 16 years ago, I still smoke weed but who cares, my relationship with my remaining family has never been better. I can go on and on.

I have a lot to be thankful for. I have so many things that make me happy.

That being said I still have anxieties and feel depressed etc. The meds just make dealing with this stuff less overwhelming really.

Maybe this will give someone out there some insight into the life of someone who has to juggle pills, therapy etc with everything else we adults deal with every day. Maybe no one will read this, oh well. I say that because as I’m writing this I’m discovering that I’m finding something out about myself. Giving me something to work on every day that will ultimately help with my issues. If writing this blog only helps me, then I can live with that.

Talk to you all later.

Wednesday cont.

After thinking about this today I realized that part of the reason I’m doing this is to talk about mental health. I have mental health issues as I’m sure do a lot of people out there do. I hope that I can shine a light on this topic for people lucky enough to not have mental health issues or think that depression isn’t real. Also for people that struggle in silence believing that they alone suffer with these problems. Don’t be afraid to start a conversation about these issues with friends and family etc. You never know who is struggling. This is a serious problem in this country and it shouldn’t be, for crying out loud we are living longer than we ever have, we can most anything we want by pressing a button but are also the most unhappy we’ve ever been. It’s crazy.

That’s all for now, until next time.

Wednesday

Welcome to my blog I guess. I’ve never done anything like this so I’m not sure where to begin so I’ll just start with telling you a little bit about myself.

First off I WILL be telling whoever reads this a lot about myself and my personal life, but, I won’t be using anyone’s real names for the sake of anonymity.

I live in a small town in Massachusetts, lived here all my life. I’m married to, in my opinion, the greatest woman in the world. (Biased obviously 😜) we have no children not for lack of trying wink wink haha. Children aren’t in the cards for us, medical reasons that’s all I’ll say. We have the sweetest dog ever and she is the center of our lives. My wife works for a medical supply company and I am the custodian at my public library.

I have 2 older sisters ( yes I’m the baby) and my mom. My dad died about 20 years ago. Story for another day. Had a decent childhood, dad made good money we didn’t really want for much some would call us spoiled. Maybe we were but 3 very humble level headed people resulted in this upbringing so it could have been worse. Meaning we could have stayed spoiled little shits permanently. Overall we’re just your average American family for the most part. My sisters and I all got good grades and got into good colleges. That’s where life really starts though isn’t it. At least in that age frame, not everyone gets the opportunity to go to college and for them life starts a little sooner as well as those of us who never finished. Another story for another day.

So that’s an extremely abridged story of my life.

So…….why am I starting a blog.

Sometimes, or a lot of times or maybe all of the time regular working class people like myself feel stifled and like we have no voice. The world knows all about the fucking Kardashians and the other 1 percenters of the world, people know all the Instagram “influencers” of the world. Who gives a shit about the janitor though? Not myself and my fellow custodians necessarily….I’m talking about your garbage man, or letter carrier or bartender server etc. Generally speaking the people who wait hand and foot on their fellow human beings without any thanks and we do it every day. I’m getting off topic. People like myself just want a little appreciation but that’s not really the point of my blog, as a matter of fact I’m not even really sure what this blogs identity is yet. I’m not looking to be an advocate for the working man, I’m just telling the tale of one working class person.

So at least for the time being I’m just gonna talk about my everyday life and whatever that entails. I’ll probably voice my many frustrations or some funny shit I saw that day or whatever.

To anyone who reads this thank you for listening.